Three years ago I stepped onto the campus of an Ivy League institution I knew I had no business being at. I was interviewing for a job I knew I was not going to get. I thought, surely they’ll realize there are more qualified candidates…I’m 23, this place does not hire young people, especially young people of color.
However, as I spent the day interviewing, slowly my confidence grew. These people wanted to interview me, they have to like me at least a little bit. As I met one potential colleague after another I started to relax and by the end of the day, I knew the job was mine (unofficially). That night, while I was relaxing at home an internal dialogue ran through my brain, How in the world did I pull this off? Little old me, a graduate of a state school no one has heard of just interviewed for an Ivy League job, and just might get it. Girl…you did that!
A couple of days later I got the call, “We’d like to offer you the position.”. Tears of joy and fear ran down my face. Wow, I can’t believe I’m actually doing this. Surely I wasn’t their top choice for the job. I’ll do it for a year and quit. There’s no way I can handle this job for longer than that.
I’ve been told that I come across as quite self-assured and confident. But something I’ve always had to remind people, especially those closest to me is that I am not. Imposter Syndrome is a real thing and I am no better at handling my insecurities than anyone else.
Now I’m three years into my job, I’ve been promoted and more than proven myself capable. However, despite the success I have found in my career, I often still feel inadequate. In my workplace I am the first, only, and different in almost every space I occupy. I am the only woman of color, I am the youngest person by 15 years, and I always serve as “the voice for all others” when in meetings.
In my workplace I am the first, only, and different…
Despite working at an Ivy League institution, I have always felt like a fraud. I don’t have a master’s degree and I was relatively young when I entered my role. Fortunately working on a college campus gave me the opportunity to take classes as an employee and build my confidence.
But after a terribly confusing class with charts, graphs, and theories I didn’t understand, I was ready to quit my graduate school dreams before they started. At the end of the class, I asked my professor, “Am I okay still taking this class? If I’m being honest, I was so lost.” Without skipping a beat, he said, “YES! No one knew what I was talking about…did you see their faces? You actually made an effort to ask questions. Those theories I introduced were new to everyone. They may be Ph.D. students but they still have a lot to learn. You’re fine. See you, next class”. I left the conversation with the confidence I needed to get an A in the class. The subsequent semester I took another course and got an A+ which I didn’t even know was possible. That success laid the foundation for my graduate school dreams.
But that was just the beginning. Outwardly I projected nothing but success, newly promoted, killing it as a full employee and part-time student. But inside, I was dying. The fear of actually applying for a real graduate program was a challenge I couldn’t bring myself to face.
This past year has tested my self-confidence, my mental health, my relationships, and every facet of my life has been put under constant and consistent pressure.
Originally I applied to Ph.D. programs. I realized after taking courses with Ph.D. students, that they truly were no smarter than I was. They just were accepted into a program that projects a perception that they are. After spending a year prepping my interest statements, studying for the GRE, and spending hundreds of hours in time, energy and money, I applied to highly selective graduate programs. As soon as I hit submit, that dialogue started up again. Who are you fooling? You know you’re not getting in anywhere. Your grades aren’t good, you’re not well connected, you can’t afford these institutions, they don’t want you. You’ve wasted so much time and energy, you should just stop applying and keep working.
Four weeks was all it took to let me know that I was not good enough. My insecurities were confirmed; I was denied to every Ph.D. program. However, there was a silver lining. I wasn’t getting my Ph.D. as I had hoped, but several schools accepted me into the master’s program instead. It was only after I spoke with the professors who reviewed my application that I learned just how fortunate I was. The Ph.D. programs I applied into only accepted 7 of the well over 1,000 students who applied. So getting denied wasn’t at all a reflection of my academic abilities, I had a 1% chance at getting in!
At first, I saw my acceptance to a masters program as a consolation prize and was upset that I failed at my goal. But after talking with friends, family, strangers, literally everyone, it finally clicked. You went from being scared to take a class, acing the courses, applying to graduate schools, getting rejected, getting accepted, and now here you are…debating between not one, not two, but three Ivy League institutions. You work at an Ivy League! Why are you so damn scared? Girl, you got this…and you did that!
And just like that, my perspective shifted. If I can steal a cliché quote for a moment, pressure makes coal become diamonds and let you tell me, this girl is shining right now ya’ll! For three years I have placed this unnecessary burden and stress on myself. I am intrinsically motivated. There is nothing that someone else can tell me to put me down, hurt me, or make me feel like crap, that I can’t tell myself. I am my biggest critic, my harshest reviewer, and my own worst enemy.
But if I can humblebrag for a second, it took going through all of that to realize I have been KILLING IT for three years straight. I was so stubborn that I couldn’t see just how great I was doing until it was all done. Now I’m a few months away from attending Columbia Teachers College and the reality of what I’ve accomplished still hasn’t fully sunk in.
So now, I am in a season of celebrating wins. If you’ve followed along with me for the past year you’ll know there have been many times where I’ve openly felt down in the dumps, upset, stressed and frustrated. But, I have finally come out on the other end and am so much better for it.
In that same spirit, I want to see everyone win. I have been encouraging everyone I know to push for what they want, block out the haters, and do the damn thing.
While I try to celebrate wins of those I know personally openly and often, I want to take a moment to celebrate the wins of some more well-known figures.
Beyoncé, you renamed Coachella, secured the bag, and a whole year later still have the world talking about your record-breaking, hater silencing performance. You gave us a Netflix special and live album that immediately reached number one. I have never been part of the Beehive, but real recognize real. Girl…you did that! Twice!
Kim Kardashian, you want to be a lawyer and everyone is mad. You’re a mom to three (soon to be four) kids, you’re married to one of the most obnoxious people on the planet, and you are a literal brand on your own. Who cares what people think about who you are what you do. You already helped get one person out of jail, I want to see you help more. Girl…you did that!
Cardi B., people forever stay hating on your success and will never give you the credit you deserve. Yet, you stay winning. You just cleaned house at the Billboard awards and took home 6 awards in your first year. Girl…you did that!
Arya Stark, when Drake says, “started from the bottom now we’re here” he was talking about you. You watched your daddy die, you saw your sister married off, your mom and brother get killed, you’ve been stabbed, sold off, went blind. C’mon girl, you spent 7 seasons learning how to fight, beat, and become death. The Night King really thought he had a chance. Girl…you did that!
Celebrate with me ya’ll. This is a season of winning. No matter how big or small, no matter how rough it may feel, no matter how stressful it may be, everything you’re doing is moving you one step forward to a better space. Now go out and do it.
Yeeeesss! This is the season for winning. My higher headquarters notified me that they had been paying my salary out of the wrong pot, and that they could no longer fund my salary after the fiscal year (Sept 30th). I took a deep breath, but before I could exhale, my supervisor told me that they would be putting me into federal status (I’m a state employer). Which means I low-key just got a pay increase all because of someone else’s mess up. I’ll take it! Next step, get my rooftop (aka make E7 in the Air Force).
This is very motivational. This empowers women to stand tall.
Although I haven’t suffered from imposter syndrome yet, I will do one day. I’ve actually been hearing a lot about imposter syndrome lately, so I’m wondering what’s going on.
You’re truly an inspiration and I hope you continue to succeed.
This was so encouraging. I often pose the question of why women are so hard on ourselves even when we are “killing it.” A lot of it is from a patriarchal society (among other things) and how we were raised to submit, be demure and play small. It’s lovely to see women shedding that conditioning and doing the “dang thang!”
This was so inspiring! You have reminded me to slow down and celebrate my wins every now and then. Sometimes we get so caught up in the next thing we have to do or accomplish that we don’t get a chance to relish in what we’ve done. Thank you!
We too often hold ourselves back. Glad you kept pushing forward. Very inspirational.
It is great the way you are willing to share your tribulations and triumphs. It gives people encouragement. And you are right, it is not about being “smart.” It is about developing knowledge and cultivating skills over time!
YOU. DID. THAT. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 I think Imposter Syndrome and a fear of success go hand in hand for me. Pushing past that can be so hard, but so rewarding and this post is proof of what can happen when you don’t let your insecurities hold you back. Thank you for sharing I needed to see this!
YES!!! I needed to read this. It spoke to me on so many levels. The imposter syndrome is the devil. Look at you Ms Ivy League and because of you someone else that looks like you will have the courage to take that leap too. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
YASSS YOU DID THAT SIS!! Sometimes we just need to turn off the thoughts in our head and just go for it…be ourselves and manifest the things we want out of life!
Great! Kudos to you. Very inspirational and positive post. Thanks for sharing your story.
Imposter syndrome is a real thing. So many of us walk around feeling like we are failing on some level or aren’t good enough in general. We all need to work at building self confidence and recognizing success when we achieve it. Great post!
Be your own star, own that confidence! There is always good things in your life don’t worry about what others think.
I often don’t recognize my wins right away, so I know what you mean. You’ve accomplished a lot and you should definitely be proud.
So inspiring! Thanks for sharing with us. Happy blogging girl 🙂
Congratulations! I’m super happy for you! This goes to show that you need the confidence and positive mindset to achieve.
I loved this, so inspiring! 🙂
A great inspirational piece for all the girls out there. Keep us posted for more!!!
Very inspiring! Keep it up!
Great article. Sometimes a girl just has to make the choice and go for it!
Continue to have faith in your abilities and talents! We are our own biggest critic, but we can be our biggest cheerleader too. Thank you for sharing your story.
Girl…can I just say all of this is so inspiring! I totally feel you with the insecurities, but you either do it afraid, or don’t do it at all, and girl, you did that! Love this!!
So true… so true! Fear stops us from doing so many things but I’m finally at a space where I’m just like, screw it…I need to start doing me!
That is truly an inspiration for all the girls out there… Very nice article!
Own that confidence. So awesome! Keep on doing you.
Thanks girl!
That was quite inspiring. I bet this will motivate women who’d read this.