Search “Millennial Girl Twitter” and you’ll find tweets on the challenges of making friends as an adult. Add in a global pandemic and you’ve got a recipe for months of loneliness. So, when our “PoST c0vID w0Rld ” slowly opened back up, I became resolute that I would make friends. Of course, I did what any millennial would do and hopped onto Bumble BFF. Did I build the hive of my dreams? Do I have a Galentines Day date? Yes, but more importantly I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I value in relationships.
I joined Bumble BFF with one goal – to meet Black women. White people are fine. But, when I made my profile and started swiping, I did have one rule… “If they appear white, don’t swipe right”.
As a Black woman on an app like Bumble BFF, in a post-2016 context, it is hard to discern if the white woman I swipe on is either a staunch Trumpian fascist who votes against their self-interest for the preservation of white male supremacy, or an overly zealous social justice warrior who co-opts the struggles, gentrifies the traumas, and dilutes the importance of holding space for women of color.
So, with that rule, I set out on my adventure in friendship and discovered some sage wisdom along the way.
#1 Be intentional about what you’re looking for.
I found the most compelling people to swipe on were those who took the time and effort to fill out their bios, as I did. I appreciated girls who would share an interesting nugget about themselves. It made it much easier to start a conversation with them, and it also indicated that we would probably vibe IRL.
When bios read “I don’t know what to write…” or just used emojis, it was a sign to swipe left. I’m a talkative person so if you give me one sentence via text, I can only imagine how you’ll be in person.
Do you like to turn up at Beatstro or is Angel of Harlem more your scene? Do you throw back the Hennessy or are you more of a light-skinned mimosa girl? Do you also binge-watch RHOP? Are you #TeamLawrence or #TeamNathan? These are the things I need to know!
#2 Make the first move if you match.
I tried Bumble BFF for six months. The first time around, I would initiate a conversation, regardless of who matched first. On my second try, I refused to initiate conversations with people if they matched with me first. I found that if someone matched and didn’t start a conversation, they were very unlikely to respond if I did. This confused me because the stakes for saying hello on Bumble BFF are much lower. You’re likely not going to get a d*ck pic or offers for a three-some.
It also happened far too often that a girl’s bio would read just like mine “Bougie but cheap, will twerk to Misery Business and Back that Ass Up, has a 4 part wash day routine…” and I thought, this is my soulmate! We’d match I delayed responding and like real #BlackGirlMagic she was gone!
On Meeting IRL
#3 Vulnerability is key.
Bumble BFF is not for everyone. Though the stakes are much lower, the effort to be successful is not. Meeting on Bumble BFF is like dating. You must bring your best self if you want to build something. Show up open-minded and you’ll probably land a second meetup. I tried my best to let the other girl take the lead in the conversation during meetups. I am naturally a talkative person so I wanted to allow space and would bounce my energy off theirs. Often this worked well in that I usually had a response, a story, or an opinion to share. I’d like to think I made folks feel affirmed, or confirmed to them, that we weren’t a match.
A story: One girl I met up with was very reserved in a way that made it impossible to get to know her. She was from a very small town in South Dakota (yes, a Black girl from South Dakota!). Rather than talk about where she’s from, what she loved about NYC, and what she hoped to do in the future, she was vague and appeared closed off in a way that read as “I don’t know you and I don’t care to talk anymore”.
For me, vulnerability is the quickest way to build trust and show confidence. I always find that it’s easier to laugh at myself than it is to laugh at others, and I do that often in the form of being a bit self-deprecating or being forthcoming about who I am. Perhaps this is a masking tool from being a #BlackGirlInTheSuburbs, but I’ll unpack that with my therapist. When I’m around someone new, if they’re able to be open and self-reflective, it immediately puts me at ease and reassures me that we are in good company.
#4 Just be honest.
People don’t change their behaviors just because they’re not looking for a romantic relationship. In platonic friendships, ghosting is still a thing and mixed signals become even more crossed. Upon reflection, perhaps I am a bit naive, but GIRLS ARE CONFUSING! I hate giving men satisfaction, but it’s very true.
Another story: I matched with a girl who seemed to enjoy our meet-up just as much as I did. We laughed, we drank, we stayed out late. I followed up for a second outing, where we laughed, we drank, and this time, I thought we would stay out a bit too late because it was a Friday. But about an hour in, she suddenly acted like there was nothing she wanted to do more than get away from me.
I don’t know if it’s something I said, or maybe didn’t say, but as far as I can remember up until that point, we talked about our week and the latest gossip on Real Housewives. She kept looking at her phone, responding to texts, and generally seemed disinterested. After she came back from the restroom, she mentioned she was planning on meeting up with a guy. While I was mildly offended that she wanted to cut our time together with short, I was more so confused.
During our first meeting up she mentioned she was coming out of a long-term relationship. She went into detail on how she wanted to take time for herself, get to know some gals in the city, and as she said, “keep the boys on the backburner”. At the time of our first meetup, she wasn’t even on dating apps.
So, the fact that she was willing to abandon me to go hang out with a man she knew for a few days came off as disrespectful and fickle.
We quickly grabbed the check; I chugged my drink and we parted ways. I left it at that and figured I’d follow up with her another day. A few days later, I hopped back on Bumble BFF to and my gut told me, “go check out her profile”. As I scrolled to her profile, instead of accessing our messaging history, I could see she unmatched me.
I was at a loss. When did we unmatch? Was this before our second meetup? When she went to the bathroom? When she got to her d*ck appointment? Why? What did I say? What did I do? To say this encounter wasn’t a blow to my confidence would be to deny my insecurities.
Though she was a friendship not found, many of my meetups went much more positively.
When you’re DTF: Defining the Friendship
#5 It’s okay to have high standards.
I have high standards for myself and high expectations for others. But, with that, I also recognize I often put in a tremendous amount of effort so that my hopes aren’t in vain.
When I was younger, I would often blame myself for the failures of my friends. As an adult, I’ve learned, it’s okay to admit your friends are trash. Around my 25th birthday, I accepted that I was a very good friend to people who were not the same in return. I reflect now understanding there is nothing I could have done to change the outcome but moving forward, I would not let the wounds of friendships scorned ruin future relationships.
In the world of Bumble BFF, these standards and practices played out in what I call the “Three Text Rule”.
The rule is quite simple.
If I reach out to you to hang out and you say no the first time, I let it go. No matter the reason, I move on. If I don’t hear from you, I will reach out a second time, and if you say no, I expect an explanation. If I reach out a third time, and at this point, you’ve not once made any valiant efforts to reach out to me, I will stop talking to you.
It’s not ghosting, it’s just recognizing that my energy is better spent on folks who are willing to spend energy on me. Is this harsh? Maybe. Is it fair? Yes. I don’t waste my time, and in return, my time isn’t wasted. To quote Summer Walker, “I guess I’m unloyal…”
So yes, I do have high expectations, but as I’ve continued to develop meaningful relationships, those expectations are met. However, I am not some stickler for rules when it comes to human interaction. Most importantly I understand…
#6 adult friendships take work.
Millennial girl Twitter is right, it is hard to make friends as an adult. But what is not hard is maintaining those friendships if you find the right people. I felt guilty at first, but I have been more vulnerable with some of the friends I’ve made over the past six months than I have been with people I’ve known for years. Perhaps this is because we see each other with more frequency but I would argue it’s because we both entered the friendship with the same goals and have been open in communicating our expectations.
Most importantly, as I reflect on my initial goal with Bumble BFF, to meet Black women, I’ve far exceeded my expectations. Black women are not a monolith, and we never have been. For the first time in my life, I’ve found other Black women who speak to each part of my multi-dimensional personality. I can suburban Black girl shimmy with joy y’all!
I’ve found my shopping friends, my sports friends, my brunch friends, my happy hour friends, my ‘let’s go to a concert’ friends, my last-minute dinner plan friends, my let’s sit in silence friends, my ‘how’s therapy going?’ friends, my ‘I’m waiting for the train can I give you a call’ friends, my ‘do you need me to bring you something?’ friends. Friends I’ve made on my terms, friendships I hope will last and grow.
As the joy of friendships seen like those on Insecure, Harlem, Girlfriends, and Leslie Knope in all her Galentines Day glory linger in our hearts and spirits, I’m feeling encouraged that the friendships I have will stick. Sure people change and grow, but in the meantime, I will celebrate them in the moment Perhaps Leslie Knope said it best“…February 13th, Galentine’s day is a day about celebrating lady friends. It’s wonderful and it should be a national holiday”.
